Deepest Thoughts

Saturday, October 30, 2004:

I swear I'm on such a different wavelength than the rest of the world. Sometimes I serisouly feel like the ONLY person that is going thru this stuff...my stuff...and its kinda hard because I just don't think nebody can really relate. I just don't know why I don't go to God first. Because for some reason, he can ALWAYS relate. what's with that god? lol...but there are even somethings that I even doubt god can understand, tho I know he can deep down, sometimes I'm just not too sure.

Sometimes at church, I just do not open up because I don't seem the point. How will others be able to connect to what I'm dealing with. My problems are just so...they're just so specically for me...whyy...it's just always been like that. like to be honest. I REALLY JUST WISH GOD WILL HELP ME OUT HERE AND FIX MY PROBLEM!...i'm tired of waiting for the solution and just having hope, even tho sometimes deep down I feel like it may never get cured. I don't want this nemore god, seriosuly. just take it away.

But yes, something I've been struggling with for about...a lot of my life haha...

but yes, I still would like to THANK god for just helping me and my family get thru this. My grandmother was the ROCK of this entire family. No kidding. SHE WAS the FREAKIN ROCK of everything. She kept us together. and its a lil scary to know that she is not coming back. I will never be able to say I love you to her or talk to her or just spend time with her. I miss her so freakin much. But the odd thing is I'm so weirdly fine with it. I'm sad, but i'm not devastated like i was last week. I'm still enjoying life and still counting my blessings. It was just soemthign that had to happen, and god gives, but he also takes away. And he decided to take away one of the best people in my life. but for good purpose. My grandma was AMAZING. and instead of sadness, whenever I think about her, all I see is her love. and it makes me joyful to know that she is with GOD right now, and she is watching over me. and I can move on and enjoy life. and serve and worship god whole heartedly, that is what she would have wanted me to do. love god.

Henry // 1:00 AM

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