Deepest Thoughts

Sunday, October 30, 2005:

ever since school has started, things got really weird. or maybe it was even before school started, but i guess it just really got out of hand recently. i just keep wishing that i could be different, that i dind't have to be myself so i dind't have to feel these emotions. and its so hard because its like i can't do anything about it so i just have to experience these things and hoep that they are only temporary. it just doesnt work out like that tho. i'm increasingly falling deeper in this black hole. and i dont like lying to my friends about stuff. and i dont having two separate lives. and i feel so dumb that part of me feels bad about everything because of certain people that i want but who dont wnat me back. and its sooo freakin dumb but i just cna't help it. its like hormones have taken over and i've become a fullblown teenager. i always thought i was above it, i'm more mature than that. i don't have stupid crushes and i dont want a relationship. but its like i do now, unfortunately, its so unrealistic that it wont ever happen. and it hurts. and it makes me depressed. and it just adds onto everything else that is going on. i can't even get my grades under control. and yea i have above a 4.0 but whenever it hinka bout how much more i coudl've done to get those A's it bothers me. i was suppose to be like top of my class but now its not gonna happen. it doesnt help that none of my friends are really christian. none of them can keep my accountable because they dont understand. and my christian friends are just not there for me. and we just don't relate the way we used to. i'm so different. i'm not the same as i was in 8th grade. and i want it all to end.

Henry // 9:25 AM

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005:

well i usually have my retreat posts in here. so yea. but how is summer? its been very interesting. a lot of ups and downs. it seemed like the beginning of summer was just going to soo good in terms of going out and hanging out wtih friends but i knew it was going to slow down, and it has. i've been resorting to driving illegally just so i can be out. but neway, summer has not been good in terms of my relationship wtih god. and how apathetic i have become about it. or maybe more so in how i view everything. i feel like giving up every 5 min just cuz i'm reminded of how sucky the situation is. but i think, what if i didn't have this sitaution, would i have a good relationship wtih god? and why does it have to be so conditional. and at the same time i can't help but feel like its just so unfair. i keep thinking the same thing, that i am not strong enough to deal. but most of it is just htat i dont want to! and i'm confused about what to do...i dont even no whats the right or wrong thing to do. its killing me that i can't tell nebody that can potentially tell me, just because i dont feel like i trust nebody enough. which kinad sucks, and brings me to retreat....

so basically i knew that this retreat wasn't going to have any spiritual highs or wahtever just because it had workshops again. and workshops generally dont touch around topics that can evoke a strong emotion out of u. for example, i had dating this year. and obviously dating is not going to remind me how horrible of a person i am. i kinda expected felice and kendrick to go more into detail about just the spiritual aspect of having a relationship and how to prepare urself and know ur own identity in christ rather than just how to get a date. which honestly i dont care about. because in all honesty i dont want to date or get married. but it was more of a shallow teaching of dating, which was fine because i did learn a lot about the matter. not sure if it had any use for me at the moment tho, but probably in the future. when i can resolve my issues and maybe have a chance at a happy life. but yea i think i was just more concentrated on fixing my problems at retreat rather than focusing on finding god and trying to discern what he wanted me to do about it. and i think that was probably a big mistake for me. even tho i did have some good moments with just me and my father in heaven, but at the same time my mind was always distracted by something else. esp this weekend i was bothered by just how disconnected i am from the people there. that i dont feel comfortable talking to almost none of them. i mean there are the few that will alwasy be there for me and are there for me when i need them, maybe one or two people, but the majority i dont even no them. and it bothers me because i keep thinking, i've known these people about my entire life and still they dont mean nething to me. they aren't even my friends, so calling them fellow brothers and sisters in christ is hard when all i am to them is just another person and all they are to me are just annoying immature people. and i guess i let it hurt me that i dont have that many good brothers and sisters that are going to back me up and be there for me. evne tho i've known some of them my entire life. and to me thats not ok. i almost wanted to break down so many times at retreat just because i dind't wnat to be there nemore with allt hese people that dont really care. and im not blaming nebody for that, it just is a sucky situation. and it seems like i keep getting caught in these sucky sitautions and a solution is just so farfetched and ridiculous cuz everything seems so complicated and abstract.

so maybe it is time to just let go and let god. and be patient. and i feel dumb for writing that because i dont even no if i belive in my heart of hearts that god will pull thru for me in the end. how can my faith be so weak? i dont no where my mind is, where my heart is, which direction my life is going in. but it just seems like i'm done with everything and i want it all to be over. or rather for simplicity to come back. where did the good times go...

Henry // 10:29 AM

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Sunday, April 24, 2005:

wow haven't been here in some time. i just am having a hard time dealing with life now. just realizing just how screwed up i am and how much things i've screwed up. i've really messed up my life now. i dont no who i am or what to do nemore. well maybe its not that drastic, but i have no idea how to get back to that good place nemore. i just want to be content with life, ok with my future, and just ok with god.
why am i so angry and confused all the time. i just want to no what to do. but i feel so weak to do nething about it. all thanks to satan for causing me to doubt. as i look at my life and just how its always been, i realize that for most of it i've been so lost. i want to look back at my life and see growth and maturity, but i can't cuz its most like this black hole. i keep falling.
its just so much easier to just be over it. to not care nemore. to just end it all. but i refuse to take the easy route nemore. god, give me strength to battle this. i just dont want to do this nemore.

Henry // 11:35 AM

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Tuesday, February 08, 2005:

dang. this is like another desperate call for help. I dont no whats wrong wtih me nemore. I'm just so confused and just so sick of certain things. and at the same time i'm anxious for change. and i just want to grow up and experience everything. I dont want to live life so robotically. I hate stupid school and just the schedule its forced us all to like...live by. Its frustrating. I really dont give a crap about apec or precalc or biology. all i want to do today is just...focus on hwat needs to change. and just not to worry about school. or my math test tomorrow. i just want to lie down and think for hours by myself and not care about nething else.

am i going insane

Henry // 6:51 PM

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Wednesday, January 05, 2005:

yay new year. cool, moving on.

thank god! the damn dmv finally let me have a permit...wahooooooooo i am excited, sorta.

well neway. why do i constantly feel alone even though I know that god is here. I no he's here. why can't i feel him. has my life seriously gotten so screwed up that i have forgot everything?

why did i shoplift last week? did i feel a rush?...i guess. iono whats wrong with me these days. it seems like i am conforming to the world's ways like every minute. and i can't stop.

i want to stop. well maybe i dont. yes i dont. thats why i've been acting liek this for so long. retreat made me realize some stuff, but i still can't stop. i'm addicted to being rebellious. in a way, i feel free from god. but so trapped in reality. i want to be free IN god.

Henry // 9:23 PM

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004:

yuck. wouldn't it be nice if I could just enjoy life for once? instead of always analyzing everything and thinking so negatively of every situation. wouldn't it be nice if I didn't always stray away from God? iono, it never made sense how some people can just go on with life even though they are so distant from God. and they know it too. it amazed me that it just wouldn't bug them or they didn't care that much. but now i'm caught in that. and it doesnt seem that abnormal. in fact, it seems like I really just dont care nemore. and i want to. i want to feel like god is still with me. or rather, I'm still with him.

Henry // 10:33 PM

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004:

why am i not happy? why do i not care? why have i just screwed over everything in my life? why do i still continue to do things that I know hurt god? why don't i want to grow more in him? why can't everything just be over now? just why....

Henry // 10:10 PM

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